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I have been aware of not feeling ‘right’ for a while. Continuing as always, but being unbelievably tired, my ‘best’ has felt entirely sub optimal.
Coasting on coffee fumes, broken sleep, and although eating well, my energy has been low. Chasing my tail, and the ticking off boxes, but not feeling like I have been strictly ‘achieving’ much. Still, this is life. Grief is still heavy on some days, or in some moments. Some days I feel amazing, and then the next day, a crashing low once more… something had to give.
I continued, and then, I couldn’t any longer. Having to turn tail on my day at open studios, instead my body allowed a day of quiet at home with my family. Extra sleep, a run (which seems to utilise a different kind of ‘energy set’) and a cat on my knee. Such are my chosen personal forms of medicine. I have asked for a helping hand, and help came readily. How lucky I am.
I have faced my father’s home, and gradually I am making headway. Both in mind and in actuality, his belongings and bits and pieces being packaged away and sent to places where new homes can be found. Such was his life, the sheer amount of his belongings is extensive, and has been a lesson to me, in the stuff we leave behind. The heaviness they bare on those left after we are no longer in this world. ‘Stuff’ it is, alas, it holds memories, and that is something I will aim to work on in my own time moving forward.
I have continued running, walking and lifting, for headspace and for empowering my own self belief and confidence. On the 20th of September I ran the Edinburgh Women’s 10k, and I surprised even myself with my completion time. More so though, my ability and my endurance shone through, and I powered to that finish line. There is really nothing quite like that final stretch toward a finish line. Magic.
It was a beautiful run. Edinburgh, in sunshine, a cold sunny day, the best kind. A city which always impresses me, even after all these years of knowing it so well. A castle on top of an extinct volcano slap bang in the middle. The Royal Mile and its cobbled streets. The Scott Monument and Princes Street Gardens. Old Town and New Town. Holyrood Park and Palace with the shelter of Arthur’s Seat to the horizon. I felt so blessed to be able to run along its ways. All the while raising money for Neuroblastoma UK, a charity unendingly close to my heart.
Prior to the race, I had the pleasure of bumping into three friends from different times of my life. School, many moons ago, in Turriff, Aberdeenshire. Also, two friends from my Art School days in Dundee. In recent weeks I have been watching the 7 up Documentary series. As so, it has dawned on me how life is so fleeting, and we must embrace it, before it also runs away from us.
A combination of factors perhaps, but feeling like I really need to do my best not just to keep up, but to create and live new stories to tell along the way.
Meeting these old friends, people very much from my past, but also in my new ‘now’ felt like time was telling me to witness just how much time had passed. To get a jolt, and to feel renewed…
Re-inspired. Rejuvenated!
And so, I ran. I ran steady, I ran powerfully, and I ran fast for me. I arrived at Murrayfield Stadium where a feeling of utter elation collided directly with a heartfelt inner joy.
I ran from my past.
I ran towards my future.
I felt so PRESENT during it all, however. Dialled in, and really witnessing the NOW all around me.
Murrayfield like a quietened arena, where my moment could be absorbed. Contained somehow. Lynette meeting me at the other side of the tunnel. We hugged. She was proud of me. I was so glad of her. My art college friend, now my friend for life, and my running coach also. Life continues.
We all continue… The past unchanged, and the future, all there for the taking. The world as small or as infinite with possibilities as we choose it to be.
Ever onwards.
~ Jenna
