-
May sees me stepping further than I have felt like stepping in a long time. Since my father died, I have generally felt the need to stay in the known. My home, my family, my friends, my work where my colleagues know me well. Inside out in fact… there is so much comfort in that.April involved lovely days, where rest and connection were improved. The easter holidays with my children, editing artworks and making new. Writing and moving, continuing running and lifting heavier. We grow in confidence with every ‘something new’ and with ways we see ourselves grow. Even in very small incremental shifts.A wedding, where I ventured solo. Glad to collect a friend en route, as I knew there would only be a few whom I was acquainted with. However, I need not have worried. The day was filled with warmth, kindness, a generous of spirit, with chatter and laughter in abundance.One of the reasons I have felt so hesitant to step out of my normal in the last weeks and months, is that I have felt fearful of my emotions bubbling over in a place or situation with people I did not know. On this day, however, I sparked a beautifully deep conversation, in quick succession of meeting a new acquaintance to me, but an old friend of my friend who was tying the knot. We sat on doorstep chatting over soup and a scone, sun on our faces, breeze and birdsong, shining glass of (zero alcohol) bubbles to my side.Sometimes big conversations feel easy. I have said this so often recently. With my children growing older, they too are finding their feet in new places and situations, with new people to them. I see them shine bright with resilience and poise. Graceful in their decisions of whom to bond with and when, how… This girl was like this with me. I felt so able to be myself. My own brightest, gentlest and open self. I spoke of Dad, of the loss, and the tears came easy. I did not feel self conscious, I felt held in that moment. She urged me to remember the words spoken during the wedding ceremony by the brides brother. Life continues in all we are. He is here. He will always be with me.I also, was reconnected with art school friends, the family of the bride also, whom I have a real affection. The warmest of people. Shared histories, both in situation, and in the girl whose friendship and love we share. Lives of the past threading us together. Not tenuous, but rich, and those memories hold us, as if suspended always with one another. A sparkling web. Much beauty held.Sometimes we feel we can chat to anyone in a group. Be the funniest, the central pivot, the most talkative. Other times, a silence lands, a feeling of having nothing to say, our humour not hitting the right note. To know fully this is not every time. To know we can be the former, especially in a new place, with new people, still feels such a blessing. Reaffirming our values, our confidence, and our all.In May, I hope to continue in this vein. With market events and places to be. New football team situations for our children, also means, I too, have to try to fit in, and forge new friendships also.The hard work pays off, when I am with all my work on display, and I can answer questions, talk of the stories behind my work, know the answers are mine alone. I know them, I own them, and I can speak eloquently of the meaning and the reason held.Continuing is a new stage I feel. The non-linear and ever evolving journey of grief… of truth. I am aware every day since he left I have continued, but somehow, May hits different. A new season of the year beckoning, which is a new season for my life too. A story arc unfolding.Hope springs eternal, they say, hope is the light that we allow to shine. Within us: but when others see it also, somehow it is given space to shine brighter.Warmer. Onwards I go.Jen x
