“There is a little girl that lives in me still” I am reminded…

There is a little girl that lives in me still.  I think I have been reminded of her moreso these last weeks, due to the fact of my father’s passing. The fact that my parents are no longer in this world. Neither my Dad, nor my Mum. The fact that I am now she; the mother and the ‘grown up’. The head of family, combined with my husband, and that we, are now the ones who lead the reins forward, from now.  

 

Yet still, and always, the little girl lives within. 

 

I realise that little girl, is still powerful, empowered, and has self belief in bucket loads. She believes in me, as I do her… and together we move forward. 

 

Loss is a funny thing, the world continuing, as if nothing has occurred. Yet, I am so changed, inconsolably, and for ever.

 

 There is a grounding turn, when someone dies. We collide with reality, as if a boat hitting land, as if a plane on emergency landing. We reach a place, where it feels unsettled and unstable. But we are forced to keep moving.  Reach safe place. Whatever the time it takes, and in whatever way we can muster. 

 

I was unable to rest and be sad when Dad died. I had to perform all of those tasks, ‘sadmin’, with banks, death certificates, solicitors and the like. Boxes ticked, on lists given to me. Paperwork foraged for and found, amongst the bits and pieces of his home. Each one, feeling like one step closer to being able to rest into my loss.  

 

For others, nothing changed, they were able to grieve. Not I… Then upon returning to work, I still didn’t feel ready… but I had to, nevertheless.  It hadn’t been enough… I am not sure it will ever be. 

 

I think this made me more aware of that little girl within me. Wild, wonderful, and happiest when outside. And so, I ran. I walked and I made sure to listen to the birds. To take in the tiny details that help ground me in my days.  Moss, lichen, beasties and light. Noticing these, made me realise, how much strength I too possess, and how I must just keep continuing. As best I could. 

 

I am encouraged to remember her. To have faith in her, and to make sure she’s ok. 

 

To sit with her in her sadness. To laugh with her when something tickles her funny bone. 

 

This little girl, and I, ever one and the same. Yet years apart. Time spanning the differences, but soul, binding us together. Whole lifetimes in fact. 

 

A force to be reckoned with, the same from then to now, travelling our bodies. Within. 

 

I am a little firecracker. I always have been. I know that little girl well. 

 

I remember her well. 

 

I am her.